Lady Satan is near.

I’m unnerved.Long story short…The first woman G ever loved is in Idaho….within 20 minutes communting….She called the mother in law, trying to get info on him…Mother in law refused to give it. (bless her heart) She is the woman who tore G’s heart out stomped on it and ate it until it’s death…He ended up in a cuckoo house for a couple days because of it..tried to commit suicide…It’s all old news..Or is it..?He said a couple years ago he will always love her in a way…That disturbs me…I hate her with a bloody passion because of what she made him go through..She played him like a deck of cards over and over again..He is showing interest without acknowledging he is showing interest in getting in contact…I know I am just being insecure…she just makes my blood boil..and I haven’t ever met her, or spoke to her…I only know what G’s told me about her. He spoke about her alot when we first got togethor, I know practically everything about her and him back in the day, it wasn’t pretty. She is also the woman who destroyed G past the point of fully loving or trusting anyone else ever again. I can say that with confidence, because G has said that himself. I spent the first couple years of our relationship trying to prove to him he could trust me and allow himself to fully love me. I think only now he does with me. Lady Satan best not step too far past any boundaries, or she’s going to meet her match. G is loving how pissed I am. He is playing it like a game, he just called and asked me to look up the prefix for her phone number that he called his mom for today. He laughed the whole time, little bugger.

I need to breathe.

This post really goes to show how friggin grown up I am eh? Sheesh. I really need to just forget it.. maybe.

Why in the world..

In my time online these past couple years, I have ran across a few blogs that are of dying people. These people are facing death at any moment’s notice, and they want to blog about it all, they want to help people understand what it’s like for the person who is dieing, rather then what it’s like for their families. I have to question why they do this. Why on earth spend your last days blogging about whatever it is they blog about. I can totally empathize with them, as they need to reach out, to find some sort of peace with it all. I have to admit that reading some of those blogs, have brought me to tears. I never re-visited those blogs again though. Not because it was a bad blog, but because I didn’t want to read about it, it reminds me of the death’s I have had to cope with in my circle of family and friends.

I think if a doctor told me today that I had such and such time to live, I would disconnect from all technology, and just relish in the love of my family, and my love for nature. I would much rather sit under some stars, and cry and vent and voice my fears, then use my energy up typing it out on a blog. I would write in journals that I would hide around the house, for in fear that perhaps my children would find it someday, and be haunted by my words. I know if my mother would have kept a blog, I would not want to read it, it would in fact haunt me, it would have made me question things, make me want to go back and do things differently. I may not be like most, when I say that I find comfort in ignorance. I ignore what I have to, to survive. Granted I have my days where I relish in the past and my old fears, but for the most part you have to ignore the pull of depression, and keep running. As long as I keep running, I am ok.

Why are we attract to all things that wrench our heart out? Why if on a regular day you go on about your business, and happen to see something on television, that rips your heart out in pity and sorrow? Why do we need to face sorrow to learn how to love? Why does it take people’s death to make you want to reach out to them? I have many more questions about life, and most will go unanswered. Why..I don’t know.

I don’t live my life to the fullest, nor do I make every day as if it were my last, but I subconsciously make sure everyday that I tell my boy’s I love them, and send my husband off to work with a hug and kiss, it’s the least I can do for what I don’t know and cannot control.

This post really just took off on it’s own. I am glad to be writing something worthwhile again.