Kellsta’s Place

4 years ago today..haven’t shed a tear, not even a smile, just content. Amen to that.

Today was a friggin busy day. Loved every minute of it though. I love being busy, because I feel productive, it’s nice. All the shopping is done, but still have the wrapping to do, anyone want to come over and do it for me?

They spoke today on the phone, and she told G about the accident she was involved in a couple month’s ago. So terribly, terribly sad. She hit a 4 year old girl while driving, who later died after her injuries. She’s not being charged with anything though, which is good, because it wasn’t her fault, or anyone’s fault for that matter. Even with that though, I don’t want to reach out and be her friend. I just don’t see it working out, but who knows how I feel later on.

Oh and the bad no-no of the day.. G turned down going bowling with me, for a meeting online that he had at 8 for his gaming buddies. Of course, our computer wouldn’t allow it, and somehow we picked up a nasty virus in it, so it started going all wacky, took it about 4 hours to get back to normal after cleaning the computer out. Hopefully that virus won’t come to a head anymore. The reason why it’s a bad no-no..is because my bro is here, G and I could have went alone.. He is lucky it’s Christmas, and I am feeling merry, or else I would have gave him the cold shoulder, but eh the kids love it there too, so we will all go togethor next week, what’s alone time with the man your going to spend the rest of your life time with eh? Got plenty of time to have alone time, I like to think of it that way.

I need to sleep.

I’m unnerved.Long story short…The first woman G ever loved is in Idaho….within 20 minutes communting….She called the mother in law, trying to get info on him…Mother in law refused to give it. (bless her heart) She is the woman who tore G’s heart out stomped on it and ate it until it’s death…He ended up in a cuckoo house for a couple days because of it..tried to commit suicide…It’s all old news..Or is it..?He said a couple years ago he will always love her in a way…That disturbs me…I hate her with a bloody passion because of what she made him go through..She played him like a deck of cards over and over again..He is showing interest without acknowledging he is showing interest in getting in contact…I know I am just being insecure…she just makes my blood boil..and I haven’t ever met her, or spoke to her…I only know what G’s told me about her. He spoke about her alot when we first got togethor, I know practically everything about her and him back in the day, it wasn’t pretty. She is also the woman who destroyed G past the point of fully loving or trusting anyone else ever again. I can say that with confidence, because G has said that himself. I spent the first couple years of our relationship trying to prove to him he could trust me and allow himself to fully love me. I think only now he does with me. Lady Satan best not step too far past any boundaries, or she’s going to meet her match. G is loving how pissed I am. He is playing it like a game, he just called and asked me to look up the prefix for her phone number that he called his mom for today. He laughed the whole time, little bugger.

I need to breathe.

This post really goes to show how friggin grown up I am eh? Sheesh. I really need to just forget it.. maybe.

This place is still very much alive, but I haven’t felt the need to write here yet, but I will soon. =)

Hahahah every year G takes pride in the fact that he can hold christmas secrets away from me, like what I am getting for a present or whatever. This year it lasted two seconds. He got off the phone with his mom, and turned around and was like You would love this camera, OOPS! lol So after he spilled the beans, I had to make sure that it was a better then my fuji, and research it and whatnot. The camera I am getting for christmas is a downgrade, it is a Pentax K110D and it’s performance isn’t near as good as the Fuji I own now, but it has the ability to put lenses on it unlike the Fuji. So I am pretty excited. I priced the lenses though and the prices are ridiculous. The camera itself is a little outrageous as well. It makes me feel bad when people spend money on me, especially that much money.

I have never heard of the Pentax brand in cameras at all, but supposedly this camera will fit any Pentax lense I could find on it. I can’t wait to have it in my hands and play with it, so perhaps between the Fuji and the new camera I will be getting, I will be able to accomplish a little more with my photography. Will just have to wait and see.., as for new lenses, I have no clue where to start, I want one that does great magnifying for macros, and then I want a fisheye lense. Ah the possibilities.. I can’t wait for christmas.

I decided I would make my goal list a little early this year, every year like many other people worldwide, I like to start my goals on a said date, usually the new year, and be lazy in a sense that I won’t work on these goals until then. I think it’s mighty funny myself really. But hey if I can grab inspiration from the new day of a new year, then why the hell not. I am not going into my goals, saying I will succeed, but I do have intentions of succeeding, I think that may set me up for failure, but if I do fail with good intentions, is that still failing? I at least tried right? lol Before I confuse myself further, here is my list of goals for 2008.

1. Getting my old body back, it may take me all year, but this is my highest priority goal.

2. Moving sometime in the middle of the year or sooner, to a more suitable place for my family.

3. Hopefully getting a job in the fall of next year when my oldest starts school, or perhaps sooner, if I can get the financial aid for the ridiculous childcare costs.

4. Going further with my photography, and hopefully grab a spot in a flea market sometime in the summer, to sell some of my work.

5. Seeing my family again back east, and getting my dad to go with me to a tattoo shop to get matching tattoo’s, maybe I can convince my auntie of the same.

6. Not cutting my hair all year, this is an odd one yes, but for me it’s also hard, I want long hair, but I keep cutting it off, so this next year I am not going to cut it at all.

7. Making the trip to see my old friends, it’s important to me, I haven’t been back since I moved away, and I want to see where I grew up, I heard someone is taking really nice care of the place, which makes me happy.

8. Getting more sleep, I don’t get near enough as I should, likely due to my caffeine intake, but that will decrease, and hopefully I can sleep better when I need to. Staying up until 2 in the morning and getting up only 5 hours later is killing me.
9. Along with getting my old body back, I plan on taking up running, so this goal is completing a mile in less then 9 minutes. I imagine if I try right now to do a mile, my time would be at least 13 minutes, I am not sure, I will test that out soon. My fastest time when I was a fit little chica, was 7 minutes and 32 seconds, which was decent.

I wanted to think of ten goals, but I think the 9 that I have right here is plenty, I don’t want to set to many now, that would be silly. lol. So that’s all my goals for 2008, have you made your list yet? I suggest you don’t wait until New Years Eve or something.

Is nothing genuine anymore…? I don’t friggin know.

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Nova, originally uploaded by Kelzta.

Isn’t she adorable, her name is Nova Lynn ans she weighs in a only 5 pounds and 6 ounces. She is the tiniest baby I have ever seen, but that could be because she is a preemie. I got to see her today, she is only 2 days old today.

Buckcherry, one of my favorite bands who also sing Crazy bitch, has come out with a new song, and I already love it. Enjoy..

The only thing I don’t like about it is the rhyming of die with cry in the song, it just seems like something a middle schooler would do, but I don’t hate.

In my time online these past couple years, I have ran across a few blogs that are of dying people. These people are facing death at any moment’s notice, and they want to blog about it all, they want to help people understand what it’s like for the person who is dieing, rather then what it’s like for their families. I have to question why they do this. Why on earth spend your last days blogging about whatever it is they blog about. I can totally empathize with them, as they need to reach out, to find some sort of peace with it all. I have to admit that reading some of those blogs, have brought me to tears. I never re-visited those blogs again though. Not because it was a bad blog, but because I didn’t want to read about it, it reminds me of the death’s I have had to cope with in my circle of family and friends.

I think if a doctor told me today that I had such and such time to live, I would disconnect from all technology, and just relish in the love of my family, and my love for nature. I would much rather sit under some stars, and cry and vent and voice my fears, then use my energy up typing it out on a blog. I would write in journals that I would hide around the house, for in fear that perhaps my children would find it someday, and be haunted by my words. I know if my mother would have kept a blog, I would not want to read it, it would in fact haunt me, it would have made me question things, make me want to go back and do things differently. I may not be like most, when I say that I find comfort in ignorance. I ignore what I have to, to survive. Granted I have my days where I relish in the past and my old fears, but for the most part you have to ignore the pull of depression, and keep running. As long as I keep running, I am ok.

Why are we attract to all things that wrench our heart out? Why if on a regular day you go on about your business, and happen to see something on television, that rips your heart out in pity and sorrow? Why do we need to face sorrow to learn how to love? Why does it take people’s death to make you want to reach out to them? I have many more questions about life, and most will go unanswered. Why..I don’t know.

I don’t live my life to the fullest, nor do I make every day as if it were my last, but I subconsciously make sure everyday that I tell my boy’s I love them, and send my husband off to work with a hug and kiss, it’s the least I can do for what I don’t know and cannot control.

This post really just took off on it’s own. I am glad to be writing something worthwhile again.